It's a paradox. You might think that someone with a mental illness would be almost fearless. After all, every day you fight against the most powerful enemy there is - yourself. An enemy that seems almost invincible.
Especially as a person with borderline personality disorder, you expose yourself to things that are far worse than many things that could come from outside: SV, endless nightly thought spirals, hospital stays, the feeling of having to bare your soul in front of doctors and therapists - and so much more. All of this should actually give you the strength and confidence to assert yourself on the outside, to communicate your own needs clearly . What bad thing could possibly happen?
When encounters become a challenge
But it is precisely in encounters with others or in relationships more generally that the opposite often happens. Suddenly, uncontrollable waves of emotion sweep me away, causing everything I actually wanted to achieve to evaporate.
Why? Because in these moments I not only feel myself, but also take the perspective of the other person - their possible emotions, their reactions, because I know only too well how negative things can affect you. And another level that develops in my head - a level full of worst case scenarios. There is no best case in this level/world.
The wave of emotions and the retreat into old patterns
For example, if I say “no” or turn someone down after a long hesitation, a wave comes towards me, a wave of perceived disappointment, hurt, perhaps even rejection, which may not always be real – but which nevertheless become stuck in my head.
It overwhelms me, and because I can't control it , I take the path I know. I deal with it myself, run away, ignore it, or cancel spontaneously. Because then I at least have the feeling of having some control. With all the consequences that entails.
