What sometimes makes me despair deeply are these abrupt breaks in life. A few days ago I was still incredibly active, almost overexcited. My energy was almost impossible to control, everything felt intense - almost too intense. Situations with too many influences quickly confused me, and ideas just bubbled up inside me - so that I could hardly relax.
The sudden turnaround
And then, suddenly, everything is different. Dark thoughts come back, I fight with myself and withdraw. I know that this doesn't help, that it's counterproductive, I know how, but I can hardly manage to stop this spiral.
The fear of a new beginning
The biggest fear? Having to start all over again. I ask myself what triggered it: the peace and quiet at home that lets me relax but also upsets me at the same time? The sudden dissatisfaction with myself when I can't implement all the ideas I have? The fear that this is all just a short-term thing... who knows?
relapse into old patterns
I notice how I fall back into old patterns: canceling, sleeping too much or not at all, brooding. A time full of energy and meaning suddenly becomes an oppressive emptiness. But not a peaceful emptiness, one that makes me restless. I feel restless and agitated inside, and at the same time I ask myself: for what exactly?
The desire for control
I hate this emptiness. I want to have control over when I can and want to be the Daniel that I really am. But it often seems as if I have no control over that, as if the phases determine me. As if I were a phase, an apparition, but never at peace with myself, always searching for what and who I really am.
