Love. For many people it seems to be the most beautiful feeling in the world, but for me - a person with sometimes uncontrollable feelings - it was often a complex and overwhelming challenge. Today I would like to give you an insight into my relationship with love, characterized by highs that felt like rocket launches and lows that often pushed me to my limits.
Love from my perspective
In a life with borderline, hardly any feeling remains "normal". Love sometimes feels like a storm - a sudden, intense experience that sweeps you away and takes you over completely. The feelings come unexpectedly, are contradictory and almost impossible to control. This intensity can be beautiful, but also painful, as I often feel the need to give everything, sometimes too much - so far, mostly too much.
The question always arises: Why should someone love me? This feeling of self-doubt is always there and I have often shut myself off emotionally out of fear of being hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I am perhaps preventing myself from allowing love out of fear that the closeness could end up being too painful.
The Misunderstanding of Affection
I remember friendships that, looking back, developed into romantic feelings - like that time in Würzburg. There was this special connection to someone that grew out of friendship. I gave everything, but maybe too much. I always wanted to show how much the other person meant to me, gave them attention and time, wrote messages and exaggerated. For me, they were signs of affection that were meant to show: you are important to me. But ultimately, it often led to the other person being overwhelmed.
reflections and insights
Not long ago I met someone who seemed like a mirror of my own inner self. We shared the same doubts, the same questions, the same inner restlessness. This feeling of being understood was a gift - something I have rarely experienced. For a moment I felt accepted, maybe even loved, and I was able to let go.
But with this intense closeness came the fear. I became "too much", gave gifts, offered support - everything to show how important the person was to me. Ultimately, when the whole thing came to an end, I felt alone again and questioned my behavior and my actions.
The eternal struggle and hope
In my life, relationships have often been characterized by uncertainty. Part of me always hopes that one day I will be able to have a healthy, stable relationship, without fear, without doubt. But the reality is often different. Am I even capable of having a relationship? I seek closeness and then flee again when it becomes too much. This even applies to family and friends.
This self-doubt is hard to bear. It is a constant balancing act between the desire for security and the fear of rejection. The question that keeps coming up for me is: Will I ever arrive?
A path full of challenges and insights
With over 30 years of experience, numerous hospital stays and countless therapy sessions, I can look back on a life full of challenges. But every experience, as painful as it was, has also helped me to understand myself better. I may be different in some things, but I am not alone. My journey is not over yet - it continues, day by day.
Love and closeness remain a topic that continues to challenge me. But I hope that one day I will find the balance that allows me to be in a relationship without fear of being “too much” or not enough.
