As someone who lives with depression and borderline personality disorder, I often find myself faced with these incredible contradictions in my behavior and thinking that regularly leave me despairing. One moment I spontaneously get a tattoo or dye my hair a new color - everything seems exciting and impulsive. But the next moment I can't even go into a shop because I feel like a clown with no self-confidence at all.
Spontaneity and Insecurity in Borderline Everyday Life
This spontaneity often leads me to do things at short notice, whether it's a trip or buying expensive and often unnecessary things. But when it comes to planning a vacation months in advance, for example, I'm only overwhelmed by negative thoughts. These become more and more restrictive the closer the planned event gets: What if I'm forced to go into the water on vacation and have to expose myself? What will people think?
fear of conflict and withdrawal
I don't want to overwhelm them with my "handicaps". And what if I want to be alone? That's not possible when you're travelling with other people? They won't understand anyway. All of these and many, many more thoughts lead to me often withdrawing from such plans at far too short notice, even though I should have cancelled them much earlier. But that would mean risking a conflict with friends, which is not an option for me either.
Extreme mood and behavioral swings
These contradictions show up in all areas of life. One day I am hyper, working non-stop all day, and the next I can barely get out of bed. Sometimes I feel everything - and then way too much. Other days, however, I am emotionally empty and numb. Someone could be crying, even a family member, and it would not affect me emotionally.
Contradictions?! Difficulties in explaining yourself and others
These are just a few examples, I could go on forever - but I don't want to bore you. These constant contradictions make it difficult for me to explain to others what is going on inside me, and it is understandable that many people do not understand me.
Is there a solution?
And what is the solution? Hope that there will be fewer contradictions at some point. Be proud that you don't conform to the norm? Simply accept yourself as you are.
I don't know. Not yet - hopefully!
